12.18.2025
Reading Is Hard
So I decided to drop reading “Why Nations fail”. While I don’t mind reading books by people whose political disposition differs from mine, I could not handle the constant ‘America is the best country in the world’ posting. There were also a few two many false equivalencies and it just pulled me right out of the reading. It is unfortunate because the history that was being told in the book actually was quite interesting. But I guess I would just rather hear it from a different narrator.
That said, I went to the library to try and chose another book to read instead, but I ran into the most narc wall that has ever walled: Either a book was on something I didn’t care about, or it was about something I did care about, but then I felt like I knew everything about that subject already. While objectively I know this isn’t true, it really does feel that way. The whole thing made me never want to read a book again tbh.
There is, of course, the option of reading fiction… I don’t know. Reading fiction feels pointless, but it also seems like the easiest thing to get me into the habit of reading again. But then if I am only reading fiction so I can get into the habit so that I can read nonfiction, but there is no point in reading nonfiction because I already know everything then what is the point of doing that at all?
Well I guess the point is to be the kind of person that reads…because being the kind of person who doesn’t read is super fucking lame.
I was making my bookshelf and I only want to include books that I have read that I can remember and genuinely recommend. And I had to stretch to pick FIVE books. That is so fucking embarassing. Like genuinely humiliating.
But like, I can’t be bothered to read a book about social sciences, or the history of xyz marginalized groups, or urban planning, or self improvement; BECAUSE I HAVE HEARD IT ALL ALREADY. I know not literally, but enough of it. At least enough of it to no longer be at a level where books that are for the general public are interesting. But then books that are at a deeper level of a subject (more academic) are, if I am being so honest, at a reading level I just cannot understand. Which makes the whole thing even more embarrassing lol.
So like my only option to keep reading nonfiction is to, read the same shit over and over to maybe get a couple snip bits of new information, read something that is very dense and hard for me to understand, or read about something idgaf about but maybe will end up being interesting if I just read it anyways….
Of course that decision is being made on top of trying to build the habit of reading itself.
And why do I care so much about reading nonfiction? Is it just to feed my ego? Is it the weight of capitalism making me feel as though everything I do has to be productive in some way? Is it my internalized misogyny that is making me downplay the value of reading stupid romantic dramas? I DON’T KNOW.
All I know is that I gotta figure this out because I do want to set a reading goal for 2026 and that is not gonna happen if everytime I enter the library I leave, never wanting to touch a book again.
Another thing that exists is joining a bookclub. It’s funny cause I have always wanted to join one but I have yet to find one that I care about joining. But do I have too high of standards? (the answer is yes). I wish I was rich….not for the money but for the dinner parties. I would so go to some stuck up, stuffy bookclub if it was at someone’s fancy house and there was some elegant dinner party beforehand. Us sitting talking about the book over tea and dessert. UGH. All I care about. But that kind of defeats the point of reading books about equity and equality or whatever makes me feel better than everyone else.
The duality of Levi.
Anyways, thanks for reading <3